It was July 2020. In the midst of a global health crisis, I found myself stepping off a plane at Delhi airport with my family (wife and kid). I had just left my position as an Assistant Professor at a prestigious public University. As I stood there, the weight of the decision hit me: Had I made the right choice? Was it sheer folly to walk away from a career I’d spent nearly two decades building?
The empty airport (thanks to COVID-19 lockdowns) felt strangely serene and tranquil, an almost meditative environment in which to reflect. There I was, leaving behind a career I had given everything to. Starting as a graduate student in computer science, then working as a tech consultant for large corporations, pursuing a Ph.D. with a prestigious fellowship, and finally landing a tenure-track position at a major public university in the U.S. This journey had been the result of years of planning, studying, and hard work. In fact, at some point I felt I had it all!
On the surface, I seemed successful; immigrant with a MS and a Ph.D., and a tenure track position at the university. But deep down, it felt empty. Disconnected. From myself, from others, and from any deeper sense of purpose. Life was comfortable with a stable career, but somehow, it all felt hollow. I had spent years chasing accomplishments, believing they were the measure of my worth. But suddenly, that belief didn’t resonate. The visions I had so carefully crafted over the years began to feel meaningless, like empty promises. The feeling was amplified due to an overwhelming sense of rootlessness. I missed home, the air, the traffic, the people, the food and the joy of speaking one’s own mother tongue.
And so, I stepped away.
The pandemic was a strange time for all of us. Fear was evident in the face of everyone. While everyone was masked, the eyes gave it all away; not just the fear of an unpredictable virus, but also the fear of uncertainty of life. And yet, amid this gloominess, I felt strangely liberated.
Stepping away meant more than just leaving behind an amazing career path and a very comfortable life that came with it; it meant embracing the uncertainty of the future. While our plan wasn’t haphazard, and my wife and I had carefully orchestrated our move to ensure we could sustain the financial impact through our savings and investments, it still felt daunting. The prospect of the unknown was scary, not just from a personal standpoint, but also from the perspectives of friends, relatives, and colleagues.
Obviously , many were questioning the “madness” of walking away from a career that seemed to be a dream for many ambitious immigrants. But what I was leaving behind wasn’t just a job; I was also moving away from the pressure to validate myself through external perspectives. The plunge to uncertainty was necessary to shed the old skins and to grow a new one. I wasn’t just making this move on a whim; I had reached a point where I desperately needed to slow down and turn some chapters of life. Sometimes, quitting can be the therapy that one needs. I needed to reconnect with myself. Reconnect with roots that I left a long back. I needed to explore more of life’s possibilities, not just the narrow path of career progression.
And in the algorithms of my consciousness, I was recalibrating the definition of success. What is the value of all the career and material success bereft of any joy? Phew!
